just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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