my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
