Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
