I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
