i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I could make wine with my vomit
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
