I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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