Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
