I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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