someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
