Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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