i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
