Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
