those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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