If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
