Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize