well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
