she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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