cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
