It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
