Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
