Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
