I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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