please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I pour the whiskey from now on
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
