So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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