So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize