I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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