Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
