Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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