I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
