meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
