Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
