I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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