thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
