woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
