new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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