i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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