Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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