just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
