they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
