If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
