New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
