Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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