Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
