Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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