took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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