hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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