my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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