I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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