Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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