Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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