All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
