Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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