No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
