He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
