I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
