You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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