drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
