Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
