Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize